Too little, Too late
by dragoncaller45
Summary: Tobi wonders why it's always him. Deidara is willing to give up everything for a brighter future. Even himself. He may not live to see that future, but it'd be fine. Because he couldn't see, to begin with. TobiDei Blind!Dei. (Cover art made by Anele of zerochan)
1. Chapter 1 Darkness, my new friend

**A/N: I've always wondered…And before any of you say it, Bakuton is cannon.**

Death was...quiet. My ears were ringing, but that made sense. I _did_ die in an explosion. A beautiful explosion, but an explosion. Don't know _why_ our house exploded over family pizza night, don't much care.

 _Not like it mattered, anymore._

Despite it's quiet, death was warm. Absurdly so. Like, I can actually feel something warm flowing through me. Ectoplasm? ' _Does becoming a ghost feel like water is always in me? Dunno. Can I move?'_ Yes, Yes I can. People are talking? Sounds...odd. Muffled and foreign, yet familiar. Maybe everyone spoke spirit? They seemed...not quite angry, not quite excited. Somewhere between curious and happy. What, could most ghosts not move in this void-place? ' _Fuck that, Doing it again!'_

"...its...early...why...think?"

' _Early? Why think? Okaaaay? Should I not be sentient again or something?'_ I tried moving again. The voices came back, closer and louder.

"Don't...could...early...baby…"

That...didn't make sense. ' _Early baby?'_ Wait...no. Nope. Not even _going_ there. Moving again. This place is circular, and there's some kind of barrier stopping where it tapered off. Every time I moved something sloshed. There...there was a long cord of something connected to my stomach. No. Fuck no. I...I don't believe it. Refuse to, even. Fuck that. Fuck off. Nope. I did not get reborn. I prayed, I did my best to _not_ get put back on this shithole planet! The fuck?! I...I can't...No…

 **-9 Months, 15 days later-**

I was almost six months old now. Which means I was indeed reborn. Birth was...awkward. My mother screaming, someone rubbing my head, being squeezed out like an oversized turd...yeah, freaky. I expected to get my bearings when coming out. But no. I don't get to. Why, you may ask?

 _Because I'm fucking_ _blind._

Fun! And, better yet, my parents either didn't notice or didn't care. I hoped the latter. I dealt with stupid parents once, never again. But, hey, at least I can wax english once my tongue gets under control. Oh yeah, the people 'round here chat in good old Moonspeak. Japanese. Thankfully I knew a fair portion of the language due to my stint in said country for a few months. And anything missing I could fill in with time. However, a few words caught my ear in the worst way possible.

 _Tsuchikage. Iwa. Jonin. War. Yondaime. Chakra. Deidara_

Emphasis on the last one. It's my name. I can hear you already. 'But he's not blind…' Yeah well fuck you too. This happened, I don't like it, you shouldn't either. If you DO find my situation funny, then your a psychopathic douchebag.

"There you are!" An old voice laughed. Hands wrapped around me, picking me up and putting me in a rather comfortable position. "You look just like your parents, don't you?" The voice mused. "Oi! Kitsuchi! Get ready to go! We'll be taking care of this guy, alright?" A humming noise from a younger voice. "Be careful around this one. He has the Bakuton. Any chakra fluctuations are to be reported to me immediately. If not me, one of the Black Ops watching the house, got that?" I assume the man nodded, for there was no sound bar some cloth ruffling. "I know your only a recent jonin, but this guy is to be your little charge, got that? Call it your first mission."

"Yes, Tsuchikage-Sama!" A gruff, manly voice said. Wait...is that watery stuff I feel chakra? But, that would mean…

 **Fwuup**

' _Holy shit I can do Bakugo's hand sparks!'_ Minus the inner nerding, the old man's thoughts were pretty similar. If his and the mans muffled cursing and hurried pace were anything to go by. ' _Hm,'_ I mused, ' _I wonder if this'll stick around when I get the hand-mouths?'_

 **-8 years later-**

Kurotsuchi was adorable. Resting at seven, she was almost as energetic as myself, and equally prank-inclined. While less so on the pranks, Akatsuchi was fun to hang around with. Bit of a rule stickler, but he was quick to join us...most days. Other days my hands needed to spark a bit from disappointment before he caved. Tch, pathetic nine year olds, turning right around as soon as their pals decided to get a little teary eyed. Or maybe it was just him…?

"Deidara-nii! Hurry up!" There was the tyke herself. Even now it was easy to tell who she would become. Chakra curiosity, love of Iwa, assumed looks, flaming temper...oh yeah. I could see it.

"Coming!" I laughed, jogging from the Dango vendor with a small laugh, passing my newest friends their own sticks as I nibbled at my tasty treat. "So, what mischief shall we get up to today minions?" I asked, leading the older and younger kids with a skip to my step. My blind eyes stayed statically ahead as Chakra flowed through my feet and into the earth. Yeah, I could Toph. Suck it fanboys. Nimbly dodging a passing...Chunin? His Chakra reserves said Chunin. Passing a Chunin, I listened to my affectionately names 'minions' for a response.

"Hmm…" I could see/feel Kurotsuchi biting her bottom lip in thought. She snapped her fingers, bouncing in place. "Lets go mess with Jiji!" She squealed. I sighed dramatically while Aka chuckled good naturedly.

"Kuro-minion, we did that yesterday." I drawled, spreading my senses further. I paused, feeling a what must have been an oceans worth of Chakra. It even _felt_ like an ocean. One full of blood.

…

…

…

…

…

...Did I mention Chakra sensing is weirdly accurate about a signatures personality to the point it's creepy? Cause it is. ' _And if I'm a betting boy…'_ I turned, jogging in that direction as I finished my Dango. "I sense cool shit this way, let's go!"

"Language!" Aka and two Jonin smoking on a nearby bench said at once. I flipped all three of them off, enjoying the sound of Kuro's giggle at the gesture. Keeping my pace-knowing that the two would be behind me-I ducked and dove between people and alleyways alike. As we approached, I sensed two bonus sets of Chakra, one felt almost muted and inhumane. My guess was doubtlessly correct. Speeding up, I 'accidently' ran into the five foot something wall of muscle that was Hoshigaki Kisame. He and his-I presume temporary-partner. Kakuzu. Rubbing my forehead in mock pain, I 'stared' blankly up at Kisame. His chakra was fluctuating in amusement.

"You alright there, squirt? I may just have to chop ya up for ramming me..." He teased with a chuckle. Based on what I knew of him, he should be around twenty-five, but just as...him. Sadistic and dark humored.

"Ha!" I barked, smirking as my nervous-looking friends caught up. "You may have some impressive chakra, and be made out of pure muscle," I said, poking his toned stomach-much to his steadily growing amusement, "but I ain't scared a' you!" I said, crossing my arms and leaning slightly backwards. Kisame laughed loudly, ignoring the grumbling Kakuzu. The old miser was murmuring about 'time is money' already, sheesh. Talk about one-track mind.

"Your pretty funny kiddo. Say, what's your name?" I huffed, rubbing at my nose.

"It's polite to give one's name first." I mused, acting rather relaxed and bored despite my small smile. He could no doubt tell/see.

"It's also polite to apologize after hitting someone." He shot back. I smirked wider.

"So you apologize every time you slug some poor idiot with one of these?" I asked grabbing his wrist and shaking the limb to prove my point. He laughed again, louder, pulling his arm upwards. I didn't let go. He held me up to eye-level with a snicker.

"Touche kiddo." He said, ruffling my hair with his free hand. I whined, smacking his hand away. The hair was off limits, after all. It took me several moments to realise how...weird it was being in the air. Everything I could 'see' vanished without me on the ground. I had to rely on chakra signatures. It was...odd. Meh. "Say, you training to be a shinobi?" He asked, ignoring the now glaring Kakuzu. I nodded.

"Yep! Sensor nin and, wait for it," I cupped my hands holding them out as if there was something in them. I gestured for him to come closer. He humored me, leaning in...and shooting back as the space between my touching fingers ignited like a large firecracker. "An explosives expert!" I laughed loudly, sending my minions and many passerby's into peals of chuckling from my harmless prank.

"Hehehe, not bad." Kisame said, taking the joke in stride. He still dropped me flat on my ass, but his chakra was laughing too, so it was okay.

"Well," I said, standing and brushing myself off, "I'm sure you two have missions to do, bounties to collect, the usual nuke-nin gig." I said carelessly, ignoring the way all nearby ninja stilled at that sentence. Did they not notice? Both Kisame and Kakuzu had their headbands exposed for god's sake! Kisame's chakra lost most of its amusement quickly.

"Hey, kiddo, have you got a dojutsu?" The shark man asked. I blinked, honestly quite lost.

"On the contrary," The Tsuchikage said-' _Holy shit where'd he come from?!'_ \- "Young Deidara is normally bad at seeing the little things. But he has his moments." The guards of our Kage looked tense. "Would you gentlemen care to explain yourselves?" The old man asked.

"Ehehe...sorry." I said, rubbing my neck at the two Missing-nin's annoyed looks. "Guess I ruined your mission, didn't I?" Kisame sighed, grabbing me by my shoulder and guiding me in between him and the slowly growing crowd of Iwa-nin.

"Yes, kiddo."

"And by the fact you haven't started shredding people-namely myself-is because this was meant to be a stealth mission, wasn't it?" His surprise and Kakuzu's not-quite-anger spoke a thousand words. "Sorry…" I murmured again, not objecting to my position of meat-shield. T'was the least I could do. I zoned out for the negotiations that followed, but it essentially was Kisame proposing variously worded 'can we leave _without_ wasting time?'s while the Tsuchikage turned into a broken record of 'no.' Eventually the talks ended when Kakuzu put a Kunai to my temple. _Then_ they left. Kisame's chakra flipping and rolling in disbelieving amusement as I waved and said goodbye to the two tallest Akatsuki.

Two weeks later I got a visit from the big many himself. In his first Tobi outfit, I was caught off guard by the green scarf that smacked my face...and the muscled Eighteen year old back that followed. I guessed he had teleported, seeing as he was most certainly _not_ there a moment before. This theory was proved when we moved a solid three blocks left into an alleyway with an awkward sense of vertigo.

"Oops!" His Tobi persona said, helping me up. "Didn't see ya there!" This mother fucker…

"Hiya!" I said back, brushing myself off. I shook the last vestiges of dirt off myself and looking up at him. My smile turned to a frown as I got a feel for his chakra.

"Um...hello?" he asked, probably chattering at me a moment before. I stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug. He stiffened at the contact and I don't think anybody would need Sensory capabilities to _feel_ his panic and confusion, "U-Uh, w-why the hugging…?" He asked. I pulled tighter to ignore the suspicion I felt.

"Chakra tells a story." I said. His panic and suspicion spiked to cloudlike heights. "No specifics," I murmured into his shirt, feeling him relax a tad, "but many feelings. You felt like you needed a long hug, and a good cry." I said. The man-boy?-in my arms chuckled, patting my head.

"Thanks, little buddy!" I giggled with him, allowing the head pets and grabbing his other hand, using it to lead him to my house. He was almost as confused as I was. ' _Why am I taking him to my house? Why do I feel so comfortable with a man who could kill me? Is this Genjutsu? No...I'd have noticed. I...I must be acting subconsciously.'_ I decided, not allowing my brain to delve deeper. Oh who am I kidding. I'm a massive fanboy and want to spend time with him.

"In here!" I said, leading him inside and closing the door behind us. "Take a seat, go on!" I ordered, bustling to the kitchen to make some tea. He humored me, sitting on my hand-me-down couch. After several minutes of comfortable silence, I brought a tray of tea out, placing the cups down and pouring us both some. I took a sip of my own after setting down the pot, and politely close my eyes so he could drink. It not only respected his privacy, but showed I trusted him to not murder me. A farce to get him to think me a kid, but it counted...I hope. He did end up drinking after a moment, humming as the taste.

"Pretty good!" He said with a chuckle, crossing his legs and balancing the tea in his lap. I smiled, mimicking the position to some success. I had to keep a hand on the cup to avoid spillage, but meh. We both giggled at me almost failure. And then we just...talked. For almost two hours we chatted together. Talking about everything and nothing. Our dreams. Our loves. Our hopes. Our thoughts. Our aspirations. Our ambitions. Our favorite everything. Our heroes. Our family(that one was a tad somber). Our views of the world(The longest.) And our skills. Eventually, however, the old man came a knocking for training, so I gave Tobi a quick hug, a quiet goodbye, and jogged over to the door. I tactfully ignored his Kamui escape as I grabbed my training stuff.

I would be visited by Tobi no less than eighty times between then and my recruitment to the Akatsuki. Guess he enjoyed my company too. Good. He was a positively wonderful conversationalist. I know he was probably moulding me for the Akatsuki...but I couldn't care less. Who _didn't_ want to join Akatsuki? Oh I'd be changing the story; Namely Akatsuki alive, world not genjutsu'ed. Hopefully. I'd probably fail, but If I tried...that'd be enough for me.

 **-Three years later-**

It was coming. I felt it in my bones. Tobi had visited three times this week, and dropped hints about leaving Iwa. I'd need to steal the scroll sooner than later. In fact...the old man needed me tonight...perfect. While there I could leave the note. "And off, we, go!" I whispered to myself, shooting across the city with chakra enhanced leaps. Bouncing off of light poles, swinging off of clotheslines and flags, jumping from roof edges, flipping off of water towers, even Assassin's Creed III-ing through two opened windows and a family room. The family didn't notice bar a breeze from my speed. After close to three minutes of super-powered parkour, I skidded to a stop on the old man's windosill. With a light knock, I was let in by the aged leader, sitting across from him.

"Deidara." He started with a quiet sigh. "Against many of its members better judgement, I'm inviting you to the Black Ops core." I...Didn't see that coming.

"I...am honored, Tsuchikage-Sama." His chakra flickered. He got the first message. "But I must decline for...personal reasons." I said, standing and tossing a scroll onto his desk despite the man's flabbergasted Chakra. "There's what you asked for earlier, Tsuchikage-Sama." I said, turning on my heel and marching towards the door. Literal message Two. "See ya later...old man." I said quietly at the door, opening it and slipping out as he picked up the scroll curiously. "Time to get to work." I turned left, marching to a small, hidden switch three corridors over from the old man's office.

"Hey!" The guard shouted, hopping down from his post in the rafters. "What are you doing, Deidara?" He asked. I sighed sadly.

"You shouldn't have stopped me…" I whispered, discreetly removing my left glove.

"What was tha-?" My hand wrapped around his face, and _exploded._ His head didn't stick around long after.

"Now I'm on the clock…" I murmured, zipping into the room and grabbing the Forbidden Scroll. Throwing it open I quickly found the desired Jutsu. Taking a little over two minutes to memorize the signs, I triggered it. The experience was painful. Ungodly so. I had been trained to resist pain, so there were no screams...but I will admit to crying. Taking another minute to recover after the process finished, I wrapped up the colossal mouth on my chest, binding it tightly until I could get its original stitching from either Kakuzu or some other surgeon. I closed the scroll and tossed it over my shoulder, clipping it on. Multiple signatures were approaching at high speeds. Kurotsuchi's was among them...damnit, minion. With Chakra-enhanced speed, I sprinted to a window, crashing through it with a blast from my still exposed hand. ' _Ha! Still works!'_ Strapping the scroll over my back while free-falling, I landed softly on a bridge designed for Shinobi seeking to reach the old Fart's office. A deep breath, a moment to listen to the now worried and moving Shinobi in the building behind me, I took off, moving for the end of the bridge before anybody could stop me. Reaching down to my Pre-prepared bags of Clay, I opened my hand mouths for the first time, and had them dig into the satchel with vigor and concentration. It took almost ten minutes to get a Bird that _might_ fly, but I did it. I stood, closing the satchel and preparing to throw the bird into action...when two thuds landed behind me. ' _Minions…'_

"Deidara-Nii! What the hell?!" Kurotsuchi demanded from behind me. "Why did you take the scroll?! Why kill that Jonin?!" She asked, barely stopping herself from yelling. Was...was she being quiet to protect me? The others were scattering across the city so…

"I'm sorry, Kuro. Truly I am." I said, tossing the bird. A burst of chakra, a puff of smoke, and I had an escape vehicle. Good. "I can't tell you right now, but one day I'll explain everything." I tried to ignore her tears and Akatsuchi's saddened look. "Goodbye." I choked out, leaping onto the bird and commanding it to fly. I ignored Kuro's screams to the best of my ability, but still couldn't help but weep with her. Maybe...maybe it was just from the pain? ' _The pain that already faded? Fat chance…'_ And with that, I left Iwagakure for the rest of my living days...And it was time to show the world the art in an explosion.

 **-PoV Switch-**

Obito was confused when he went to visit the interesting boy that was Deidara. He _should_ have landed outside the blonde's house. Instead he was in open air. After quick-jumping with Kamui to the nearest intact building, Obito took in the carnage that lay before him. He felt a slight twitch in his heart as he saw the charred, blasted, and torn down district of the city that used to house his...not quite a friend, but something. Was Deidara dead, he wondered to himself, Sharingan roaming the destroyed line that lead from the city center all the way to the wall. A wet squelch sounded beside him.

" **Deidara no Iwa fled the village."** The plants darker half explained. Obito's brow rose in both confusion and surprise.

"All of this with the blast release…?" He asked quietly, taking in the chaotic looking warzone. Now that he paid closer attention, those craters didn't look like they'd been made by explosive tags…

" **He stole a Kinjutsu scroll."** Kuro Zetsu said, " **Gave himself a technique that allows the user to turn any one chosen material into high-powered explosives. He escaped through liberal usage."**

" _Made quite a mess of the place on his way out, eh?"_ The whiter half mused, its eye drifting to a crater that could probably hold a mid-powered Bakusui Shoha from Kisame.

"Indeed…" Obito murmured, suddenly understanding the odd, almost knowing looks his companion had sent him. "Mark him up for recruitment after he gets a better name for himself." Obito ordered. Both halves of Zetsu looked first to each other, then to him.

" **If we may ask-?"**

"An explosives expert-a _proper_ one, mind you-would be an enormous help to furthering Akatsuki's true goal, and its perceived one, while also filling a member to the ranks for the process sealing." He bullshitted on the spot. They were legitimate reasons, ones he would stick to. If he wanted the boy closer for reasons he couldn't quite put his finger on...then that was just a happy little accident. Besides, someone so young shouldn't be a Missing-Nin. It reminded him far too much of how young he was when passing into the shadows. It was a cursed life. One not meant for someone who had views of the world like Deidara did. No matter now. The boy was ripe for the picking, and would make a fine addition...Obito only hoped he would prove as good a criminal as a talker.

 **A/N: I know this probably ain't the best, but I find writing at late night makes all your inhibitions about a story concept being 'stupid' or you being 'not good enough' seem to evaporate with the moonlight. Or maybe I'm just a vampire. Dunno. Anywho, welcome to Blind!Deidara x Kinder!Obito. Slow burn, 80% chance of no smut. Boy x Boy. Yadda yadda, you get the drill. Don't hate, please. Reviews are** _ **life.**_


	2. Chapter 2 Blasts, Thoughts, and Jokes

**A/N: At the time of writing this I am starving to the point my** _ **head**_ **hurts** _ **.**_ **My stomach has decided it shouldn't be the only thing torturing me, so I am typing with a headache.** **I officially lay blame upon that fact for any mistakes.**

Being a Missing-Nin was different then Deidara expected. He expected running from hunters. Expected instant hostility on encountering his former comrades. Expected to beat off bounty-hunters with a stick(And much worse.)

That didn't happen, though.

Hunter-nin ignored him or gave a quick passing wave with their bounty...exactly as they had before. His former comrades waved and traveled with him, even _eating_ with him. Bounty hunters were normal, yet few and far between. It was...uncomfortable. He was a _nuke-nin._ A missing ninja. A _traitor to his home._ But the Iwa ninja didn't care! It threw Deidara for a loop, one he disliked. So he always kept cautious and tense. Their chakra seemed almost saddened...like they _pitied_ him. He hated it. Guess some of the original Deidara's pride was still stuck around.

"Dei-chan!" And there was the _most_ confusing aspect of all this...newness. Tobi. The disguised man had popped in on him like an outdoor cat wanting attention. But hey, Deidara wouldn't complain.

"Tobi!" He shouted, startled by the sudden voice. After a moment of recovery, he lept into the older teens not-even-slightly opened arms. Sure, he sailed cleanly through the man like he usually did when making any swift movement, but that was fine. It was the thought that counted…

 _Though he secretly hoped to actually get it once._

Not bothering to stop his tumble into the dirt, Deidara smirked evilly as Tobi laughed above him. With a shout, Deidara threw some of his pre-made C-0.2-Weak, joke bombs that wouldn't do much more than distract and maybe, _maybe_ blow the wings off a fly-into the swirled mask above him. Enjoying the way Tobi's signature lurched back, no longer laughing, Deidara detonated the bombs...which elegantly 'poofed' in a burst of confetti and a small pop.

"...I...What?" The older questioned, his voice dipping at tad into his _real_ voice-not his Madara one-out of sheer confusion. Deidara was, of course, laughing his pale ass off at the stunned criminal.

"I finally got you, Un!" He cackled, rolling on the ground from the ecstatic bliss of having caught the schemer off guard. After a minute or two of laughing, Tobi began to shake...then snort, chuckle, and finally start laughing as well. Both boys, one leaning against a tree and the other laid out flat, were lost in the relief of a good laugh. For Deidara, it was a release from the suspicion. For Tobi, it was the first good laugh-the first _real_ laugh in general-that he'd had in years.

"I-ehehehe...haa...I'll...I'll give ya that one, Dei-chan!" Tobi said through the snickers. Deidara was finally coming down from the laughter, gasping for breath.

"D-Damn...straight...hahaha…" Deidara answered. After a few minutes of composing themselves, the boys stood back up properly, beginning a talk about everything that had happened since his leaving of Iwa, and about his new Kinjutsu. After a few minutes of strolling somewhat eastward, Tobi asked a question that Deidara honestly didn't expect.

"So those two friends you spoke of, what plan or goal made your escape worth it to leave them behind?" Deidara stalled, not expecting the question. He paused, his mind returning to a life long passed.

' _Kakashi...protect...Rin…'_

' _When the tree leaves dance, one shall find flames. The fire's shadow will illuminate the village, and once again, tree leaves shall bud anew.'_

' _A genius, huh? What does that word mean, 'genius?' So I was not born with a whole lot of natural talent...not gifted like Neji...but I work hard, and I never give up! That is_ my _gift, that is my Nindo, my ninja way!'_

' _I believe one can only become truly strong...when they fight to protect someone precious.'_

' _I will not let my existence end here!'_

' _We don't know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths. As death comes to embrace you, you will realize what you truly are. That's what death is, don't you think?'_

' _Things don't always go the way you want them to. We're not made of stone. Distortions will appear somewhere.'_

' _I believe the day will come when people can truly understand each other.'_

' _People become stronger because there are memories that they cannot forget.'_

' _Art...IS AN EXPLOSION!'_

' _I hate to make others wait, and hate to be kept waiting.'_

' _We'll suffer the unfathomable pain together!'_

' _Nobody in this world can be trusted. But money...money you can trust.'_

' _Know...Pain!'_

' _You are darkness! A world where flowers can only wither and die!'_

' _Itachi...it seems, in the end...I wasn't such a bad person…'_

' _It takes time to make ideals a reality. If you're hasty, you'll lose sight of everything and make mistakes.'_

' _Give me back my brother!'_

' _Roger that. Don't worry, marriage is the only thing I plan on being late for.'_

' _A genius who had everything will never understand...I just want to be myself.'_

' _The word "Hope" is nothing more than giving up. It is a word with no true meaning.'_

' _I'm nobody. And I don't want to be anybody.'_

' _ **Yes, Madara-Sama...Is that what you thought I'd say?!'**_

' _I AM THE MOTHER OF ALL CHAKRA!'_

' _Shinobi history...contains all sorts of ninja's lives AND deaths! Many of them taught me what it means to be a shinobi. The pain and sadness of death...the tragedy of war. And not only that! They taught me the joy of being accepted and loved! The way they lived...and the way they died...Made me who I am!'_

' _It always been those two walking in front of me...but no more! Now I'll walk right beside them!'_

' _When we first met, I hated you. But now...I can't help but love you all.'_

' _Why…? After everything_ why _won't you give up on me?! Everyone else did! Even me! So why?! "Because I'm your friend."'_

' _I admit it. You beat me. Congratulations, Naruto. I...lost.'_

"...Hope." He answered. "Hope for a better future. One that I intend to be a long-standing part of." He said, smiling softly in determination. There was silence from Tobi. And from Deidara. For almost five minutes, they stayed that way, thinking of the horrors of the past...and those to come. They parted ways soon afterwards, Tobi swirling off, and Deidara hopping aboard his-now perfected-clay owl. Deidara sighed loudly once he was miles up, enjoying the wind through his hair. Reveling in the way his body felt the snap of cold, even if said cold nullified itself through his explosive Chakra.

" _Deidara-nii, what do you think flying feels like?"_

A shot of pain bounded through his chest.

" _Deidara-nii, I asked you a question!" Kuro said, her cheeks bulging with a pout. Deidara laughed, rubbing her most-likely-black hair with a smile._

" _Well, there are many interpretations to flight-"_

" _Deidara-nii I watched you Fly with Jiji! Just tell me, alright?!" Even as a child, she really was hot-tempered._

" _It's…" He struggled for a moment, trying to find the word. "Glorious." He finished with a goofy grin, remembering his time ziplining in 'the before' and the little trip the Tsuchikage had with him. "The wind rushing past, the feeling of weightlessness, the rush of adrenaline...it's incredible at high speeds." He could all but_ taste _her and Akatsuchi's awe._

" _And when you're going slowly?" The slightly older boy asked. Deidara smiled wider._

" _Like standing on a ship, at the highest point. The soft breeze flitting between the strands of your hair, the gentle rock of the air currents, the smell of the world beneath drifting up, mixed together like a wondrous blend of coffee."_

" _Say...Deidara-nii...could you...one day...take us flying?" His smile softened, one arm snaking over and pulling the youngest of the trio to his side._

" _Of course, Kuro-minion. I prom-"_

 _ **Fwooom!**_

' _Shit!'_ The fireball had just barely missed Deidara's bird. Thank god most ninjas didn't use targets that flew miles away or he'd have been toast! ' _SHIT!'_ He screamed mentally, ordering the bird to swerve out of the way of the lighting technique that would have speared him and deactivated the bird. Thankfully he was paying attention and could sense the chakra from that one. Now that he focused, there were four signatures there, skirting the edge of his range. With a flourish, Deidara reached his hand into the bag of clay at his side, allowing his Jutsu-given mouth to bite in and rip off a chunk, reforming the now chakra-infused clay into his newest, made on-the-spot creation.

The C-2 Deinopidae.

Triggering the Clay-expansion technique he made, Deidara 'watched' through the eyes of the Spider-like C-2, reveling in the panic of the Shinobi below as the giant fulfilled its natural forms purpose, flinging out a net of sticky, chakra flooded webbing that spread over a large distance and trapped the shinobi. The spider was in free-fall now, mere seconds from hitting the net. With a pulse from Deidara, the frequency of the net's chakra flow shifted, turning it volatile and weak. Any puncture or heavy weight would set it off. And the explosive, not to mention heavy, spider body was about to hit.

 **KRAAA-FWOOOO-BRAA-BAAAKKAAAMM**

"I don't know what's better," Deidara said over the roar of the rippling, chain detonation that was the net. "The fact that you dipshits didn't dodge, or the fact the body was a-"

 **BRRROOOOOMMMM**

And then the body went off. "Fuck!" He shouted, almost spilling off of the bird from the shockwave of the blast. "Well...shit." He murmured. He didn't need Naruto's absurd sensing range to tell that everyone within a few kilometers had heard that blast. "... A dud." he murmured. Well, he thought he murmured. He may well have shouted it. Couldn't tell. Ringing ears, and all that. The rest of the day was, thankfully, calm and relaxing.

Right up until he drifted above some rather chakra-intensive clouds. They seemed to take offense to his presence, because a lightning bolt broke the laws of physics to fly upwards and tear off his mounts right wing. Yay. Then he was falling for all of fifteen seconds, stunned and paralyzed in equal measures, before a cold, broad body slammed into him, shifting his moment a _bit_ too fast. The last thing he remembered was the warmish, sleek texture of his 'saviors' cloak being shoved uncomfortably into his cheek. Guess it was gonna be one of _those_ days tomorrow.

 **A/N: Got a review on this and, well, remembered I had typed up most of a chapter, so it's now finished. Hope ya'll enjoy.**


	3. Chapter 3 Not all Who Wander are Lost

**A/N: Curiouser and Curiouser.**

Deidara knew he wasn't the best ninja out there, but even _he_ was disappointed in the loud groan he let out upon awakening.

"Sage above…" He murmured, slowly pushing himself up, feet pressing to the ground long enough to get a nice, long look at the cave he was in, and it's three occupants besides himself. "Who the hell caught me?" He asked, rubbing gingerly at his shoulder.

"We are-" The middle height one started.

"No, I mean who _literally caught me because holy shit_ _ **ow!**_ " the bomber whined, stretching a bit. The tallest laughed at Deidara's expense, large sword wriggling.

"Hasn't changed a bit." said swordsmen chuckled.

"Nice to see you too, Ocean." He fired back, cracking a lithe( _NOT Scrawny, Kuro-Minion!_ ) neck.

"Ocean?"

"Dude, have you _felt_ your own Chakra?" said chakra fluctuated in slight confusion.

"I...Think? I mean, I use it almost constantly."

"I suppose that's fair, but I meant like _properly felt it_. Like, what a Sensor Nin would get?" Silence. "Dude, you are like an _actual ocean of Chakra._ Of blood. With a really big shark swimming in it."

You didn't need functioning eyes to see the incredulous look on Kisame's face.

"Chakra's fuckin weird, don't ask me."

" _This_ is meant to be my partner?" Sasori rasped, voice changed by Hiruko. How did that work, anyway? There was no active chakra in the neck of the puppet. Must be seals or something.

"Ah, don't worry about it doll-face." The former Iwa-nin teased, uncaring of his annoyed glower, "I'll grow on you. Like a fungus." Sadly, it would be suspicious if he just _went_ with them. "Wait, what? Partners? Do you guys need help on a mission or something?" Deidara asked, mock confused(head tilt and all!)

"We are here to recruit you to the organization known as the Akatsuki." Itachi droned.

"The fuckin-what-now?"

"Akatsuki. We are an organization dedicated to world peace."

"Bullshit. If you wanted world peace you'd kill every missing-nin you found and force the villages to be buddy-buddy."

"We have a...different method." Kisame interjected.

"Different how?" Their chakra fluctuated. "No, don't tell me, _members only._ " he snarked.

"Sorry, kiddo." Kisame chuckled. " _Members only._ "

"Agh, dickhead~" the teen whined, head craning back in exasperated deflation. "What happens if I don't want in?"

"Then I will fight you." Itachi bluntly stated, getting up and calmly stepping around the fire they'd thrown together. "If you win, I die, and my companions harry you no more. If I win, you join us."

Deidara pretended to consider this, slowly rising. "Sure, why not? Though I warn you, I'm kinda hard to fool."

The blond bomber slid a hand into his left clay-pouch, looked straight at his signature, and-

 _Colors._

Colors, shapes, light, shadow, Deidara could _see_!

"Wow…" he murmured in awe, looking-really _looking-_ at the cave surrounding his young form. "This...this is a helluva Genjutsu." Deidara murmured.

' _Usually, when people use a Genjutsu around me, I can see the thing they were Genjutsu'ing-a hand, that trap, the knife in approaching me two feet to the right of the real one-but everything else remained blackened. Itachi wanted me to see the entire area...that or the Sharingan did it naturally because_ _ **Uchiha bullshit**_ _.'_

A mere second after Deidara commented on the technique, it vanished like so much smoke. "You are…" Sasori and Kisame tensed at the shock in his voice, but he never finished, "I see."

 _That sonuva-_

"Need you be convinced more?"

"I...No, I think that's enough. Hope you have my size in those cloaks." And whaddya know, they did.

 **?** **ﾟﾒﾣ** **?** **ﾟﾒﾣ** **?** **ﾟﾍﾥ** **?** **ﾟﾍﾥ** **-A few days later-?** **ﾟﾍﾥ** **?** **ﾟﾍﾥ** **?** **ﾟﾒﾣ** **?** **ﾟﾒﾣ**

I must say that I...was not ready for an Akatsuki without Hidan. Like, seriously, distantly greeting each new partner for Kakuzu and wondering in what horrific way they were going to die was kind of a game amongst the members.

Pein had correctly guessed that the most recent one would last two weeks and four days, then die with a broken spine.

' _I doubt he expected the poor bastard to have been bent so far backwards his head was_ literally _shoved up his own ass, but semantics are semantics.'_

The one before that Kisame had guessed would last two months. He was closest. Everyone else had guessed somewhere under two days, with Zetsu hitting the lowest-like, ever-at an hour.

' _The guy lasted a month and nineteen days, and was dragged back to base as a_ _literal_ _fried husk.'_

I had gotten the one before that, with eight days, decapitation.

' _I'll admit I was surprised to find his head partly jammed down my sink looking like he'd been murdered with a cheese grater, but whatever.'_

And for a while, that's just how it was. Hanging out with Sasori, blowing shit up, being disappointed I hadn't seen Obito in so long, singing randomly to confuse the people chasing/fighting us, blowing more shit up, looking for Jinchuriki, fucking with Jiraiya-a story for later-and blowing _even more_ shit up. Fun times!

Until, at least, Orochimaru showed up. Then things got _weird._

We were cruising down the eastern coastline of Fire, not doing anything in particular, when the snakey little shit popped in out of nowhere.

Literally. We were just walking down the road and then BAM! His chakra signature just kinda _appeared,_ a few feet under and ahead of us, and he subsequently popped out of the ground without noise.

"Hello, Sasori-san." He cooed in his weird, serpentine voice. "Ah, would this be your new partner?"

I may be blind, but you don't have to see a leer, to _feel_ a leer. "Fuck off, pedo." I snapped in the bluntest tone I could manage.

"Bwuh?!" Orochimaru blubbered, caught off guard. Sasori even barked out a quick, surprised laugh. "I-I am most certainly not-"

"Nobody gives a look like _that_ without some kind of sexual attraction." I huffed, fitting him with my best look of disgust.

About ten seconds passed where Orochimaru was stunned into silence, and Hiruko was rattling in its master's laughter, before I stuck my nose up and marched past the Sanin.

Sasori joined me and we were about fifty feet past the scientist when he recovered. "Now wait just a moment!"

"I don't wait for pedophiles."

"I am NOT a pedophile!"

"Tell _that_ to the children you kidnap, convert, or experiment on." He had no response to that, and fucked off when he quickly realized me and Sasori wouldn't give him the time of day, much less the decency of a glance.

Eh, whatever. Probably wouldn't change much of the timeline.

...I hope.

"So…" Sasori murmured, with _actual amusement_ coloring his voice. "Pedo?"

"He seemed the type to bite small boys with super powerful bloodlines so he could mind-fuck them into doing his bidding in tight, cold underground lairs where he experiments on and with them by promising them a purpose in life, power, drugs, yadda yadda yadda." I drawled quietly, fiddling with some clay as we meandered without a location.

...did we have a location? I hadn't been paying attention to Pein earlier. But in my defense, I couldn't focus. It's not every day I'm minding my own business and then suddenly feeling the tingle of Obito's chakra deeper in the base. He vanished before I managed to get out of the meeting, but just _knowing_ he was there both excited and slightly scared me.

Wait. Scared? The hell?

"Deidara…" Sasori murmured, voice quieter than I was used to.

"Un?" I grunted, trying to shape this _stupid, damnable, wet dirt_ into the shape of a dog.

"You speak of what Orochimaru does as if you have experience." He drawled, voice blanker than normal. _Somehow._

"Ah...you could say that." I murmured, shifting uncomfortably. ' _That question hit a little too close to home. There's no way he suspects...no, definitely not.'_ I stiffened, forcing a massive grin onto my face.

"Oi, Sasori-no-Danna! Wanna race to Wave country?!"

"What? Deidara, no, we're heading for Fire-"

"Ready _set_ _GO!_ " I shouted, tossing the completed-probably decent looking-wolf and hopping aboard. "YAH!" I shouted, and the clay-creation shot off, my laughter trailing it as Sasori growled in the near distance, sealing away Hiruko and shooting after me.

"Deidara! Stop being a child!"

"NEVER!"

I didn't stop until we had hit the capital of Nami, Sasori and I neck-and-neck the whole way. I think he was trying to cheat the whole way, throwing knives and chakra strings, trying to knock me off my mount with his puppets.

What a Shinobi, amiright?

Anyways, we were dancing across rooftops, Sasori's fingers brushing the end of my hair, the race revving in intensity as we approached the finish line when we _finally_ reached the town center, the End. A lot of people here today, gonna have to make a quick, safe landing. Slight problem.

 _There was almost no open space._

The closest gap was behind where three signatures stood, on a platform of some kind. There was a whisper of chakra behind them, but it wasn't enough to power an _infant_ so I assumed a jutsu of some kind. I kicked off of the wolf, and flew through the air, landing dead center in the town's main well, feet splayed so I was crouched on the lip of both its sides.

"YES! I WIN!" I shouted, vaguely hearing the sound of impact, then detonation over the ring in my ears as Sasori-who's hand felt surprisingly squishy-cracked me upside the head.

"IDIOT!" He shouted, dragging me off the well with a grumble. "Dragged us way off course, murdered a midget, wasted _so much time-_ " His quiet, hissed ranting was cut off suddenly from a near-silent, awed voice to our right.

"Gato is...Gato is dead?"

' _Oops.'_

 **A/N: SUPRISE FUCKERS**


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